Starting January 1st, myself and thousands of other Netflix users began binge-watching the classic 90’s sit-com Friends. It’s been fun re-living the wacky antics of Joey, Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Monica, and Chandler. I’ve never seen all the episodes in order before, and I actually get all the sexual innuendos this time around.
Still, I didn’t really know what fandom was or how to really engage in a show back in those Friends days. Since I do now, I immediately wanted to sort the cast into Hogwarts houses; since fandom is obviously about mashing properties together to make them stronger.
Once this decision was made, there were a few choices that stood out immediately. The first of which is obviously Phoebe Buffay in….HUFFLEPUFF!
But more than a house full of patient, hard-working, loyal people – Hufflepuff is a house that will take the leftovers of the other three. Phoebe would never be in Slytherin, where people would make fun of her for being a muggle orphan, nor would she be in Ravenclaw where they seek knowledge. She could be brave in Gryffindor, but Phoebe doesn’t necessarily like to show off and she’s very even tempered.
Yet like all Hufflepuffs we’re introduced to, Phoebe is kind and stands up for what is right and always tries to do good for others. In one episode she ends up giving away over $1000 to a homeless woman because Phoebe earned it in error. Yet she’s also like her favorite song, “Smelly Cat”, a weird rejected thing that’s hard to love. Ergo, Hufflepuff.
Now, another easy pick is this: Ross Geller in….RAVENCLAW!
Ross Gellar basically studies fossils and old stuff. Yet to get to his level of expertise (he has a doctorate from Columbia University) you’ve got to like like learning. Seriously though, I only made my way through a Masters degree and that was a special kind of hell, and a doctorate adds at least four years more of schooling. Ross is an academic BAMF.
In case that argument isn’t convincing enough, he also made a comics called “Scientist Boy” as a child. LIVELONG DEVOTION TO SCIENCE RIGHT THERE. Plus, you know he’s a Ravenclaw since he takes so much pleasure explaining things/correcting people.
While siblings don’t always get sorted into the same house, in the case of Monica Geller…..RAVENCLAW!
We see several times in the Harry Potter series that a person’s desires do influence the sorting. Since Ross was always the apple of his parents’s eyes, Monica would most likely want to be placed in Ravenclaw to demonstrate that she’s living up to her brother’s legacy.
Along with a personal drive to be sorted into Ravenclaw, Monica also demonstrates her thirst for knowledge through her profession as a chef. She basically conducts experiments on food on a daily basis, and tests the results on her innocent friends. She might just be the evilest scientist yet!
Next up, it-girl Rachel Green, the woman who inspired thousands of decadetastic haircuts. She was one of the hardest to place, but ultimately she goes in…..SLYTHERIN.
Now, I’m not calling Rachel Green evil. So get that our of your head. What I am saying, is that Rachel is a smart – cunning – woman from a well-bred family, who hasn’t always been above using people to achieve success.
However, over the series, like Regulus Black, she changes for the better. Rachel uses her innate Slytherin qualities in positive ways working her way up the corporate ladder, becoming a good mommy, and learning to be a her own person apart from her family’s desires. Finally someone gives a good name to the Slytherin house.
Let’s be honest, it’s quite possible that Joey might fail out of Hogwarts. But to fail out, Joey would first have to be admitted so let’s put him in….GRYFFINDOR!
Joey is not the brightest bulb in the box, but that’s okay because Gryffindor’s value bravery and nerve, which often come off as peacocking and recklesses. Joey has both of these qualities in droves. He’s very secure in his looks and powers over women (“How you doin’?”) and he’s not afraid to show off his wealth when he briefly moves into his own apartment.
He’s also insanely devoted to his friends which he shows in adorable ways. Whether it’s breaking up with Ursula to save his friendship with Phoebe, or giving Chandler a ridiculous gold bracelet – he’ll always be there for you, his friends. This lion-hearted devotion alone confirms his admittance to Gryffindor.
It was really hard not putting Joey and Chandler in the same houses, but in the end we had to give him….RAVENCLAW!
At heart, Chandler is a smart, witty, conforming coward. Yet that sarcastic charm which defines his character relies upon a quick-thinking brain. Chandler has a line for everything and is smart enough to pick the right moments for them.
He’s also a numbers whiz, ingesting WENUS (Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics) and ANUS (Annual Net Usage Statistics) like a heavy-weight number cruncher. Though Chandler doesn’t desire knowledge per se, there’s no doubt that he’s full of it, making him the third in a series of Ravenclaws.
Now, with everyone sorted, let the arguing commence!